Mayo Moments

Thursday, 31 January 2013

3 Weeks Have Dragged By and No Appointment

I really do think this has been the longest three weeks of my life - with no end in sight.  Despite repeated calls to McMaster, we still don't have a date for Leah's thyroid Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy.  It seems there is a back up in Diagnostic Radiology and her appointment will be delayed while they "triage" the wait list.

I want to scream and shout and throw the mother of all tantrums!  "What is there to triage, this is an eight year old little girl!  She needs this done NOW!"
But of course I don't, because my more logical self knows that
  • it won't do any good - it might feel good to just let it all out but it won't help
  • there are many people on that waiting list with the same feelings I have
  • because Thyroid Cancer is as her endocrinologist says "the good cancer" or, "If you're gonna have cancer, this is the one to have!"  And this means they won't triage her as urgently as I want
  • the scared mommy side of me really doesn't want to know because then it is real and right now I can still pretend
Right from the start of all of Leah's issues, when I would feel myself sliding into bouts of self pity and "poor Leah", I could give myself a kick in the pants by reminding myself it could be worse, it could be cancer.  When we finally got her MRI back and it didn't show any masses, it was a big PHEW! moment - not cancer.  I have always figured I could handle anything as long as it wasn't cancer.  

Now when I am having a bad day dealing with the doctors or watching Leah have her issues, I automatically start my mantra, "remember, it could be worse it could be cancer....oh wait, it might be!"  Which then starts a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that just feed off each other.

I need a new mantra.  Something a little more positive.  Today I am drawing a blank, but I am sure it will come to me.  Because really, I have to remember that even it if is cancer, we CAN handle it.  It won't make me throw my hands in the air and give up.  I can't, Leah will need me.

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